Would you be happier if you spent more time discussing creativity and the meaning of life and less time talking about the weather? According to a blog post at the NY Times, a study has shown that deep conversations make people happier than small talk.
I love deep conversations. I am fortunate enough to have some really good friends, and a mate, who I have deep conversations with quite frequently. I realize what a blessing this is and I have a lot of gratitude.
I would even go so far as to say that a really good novel, really good non-fiction, or a really good poem is a deep conversation between the writer and the reader.
It may sound counterintuitive, but people who spend more of their day having deep discussions and less time engaging in small talk seem to be happier, said Matthias Mehl, a psychologist at the University of Arizona who published the study.
We found this so interesting, because it could have gone the other way– it could have been, “Don’t worry, be happy,” as long as you surf on the shallow level of life you’re happy, and if you go into the existential depths you’ll be unhappy, Dr. Mehl said.
But, he proposed, substantive conversation seemed to hold the key to happiness for two main reasons: both because human beings are driven to find and create meaning in their lives, and because we are social animals who want and need to connect with other people.
By engaging in meaningful conversations, we manage to impose meaning on an otherwise pretty chaotic world,” Dr. Mehl said. “And interpersonally, as you find this meaning, you bond with your interactive partner, and we know that interpersonal connection and integration is a core fundamental foundation of happiness.
Are you happiest when you have a deep, meaningful conversation? In a weird way, that’s what I try to do with this blog. Talking about creativity, courage and soul, among other things, is my way of putting something that has meaning (to me, at least) out into the world.
Click the comment button and let me hear what you think!
P.S. I am an ex-shrink who writes novels. Check out my books here.
I totally agree with the study. That is certainly true for me. Not only meaningful conversations, but meaningful tasks as well. Mindless activities wear me out. Of course, ahem, may I point out that the study comes from ARIZONA?
Susan,
I’m so glad you posted this, if only in part because it gives me a chance to plug my own novel. For that is one of the things Entertaining Welsey Shaw is about: conversation…or the quest for deep conversation and connection.
Every character in my novel is trying to connect in some way or other. That’s one of the themes. My main character wants to know if an “ordinary person” can have a deep and meaningful relationship with a famous person, for example. He thinks he is having one. Then near the end something happens that makes him realize how little he knew, and by extension, how little we know about other people, even when we think we are close, very close, to them.
My encounters between the ordinary guy and the famous celebrity take place in a coffee shop in midtown Manhattan. A coffeeshop has traditionally been where people go to talk, connect, and have “deep conversations.” Yet as he sits there watching others in the place, he notes everyone is engaged with their laptop, BlackBerries and iPhones. People seated across from each other are ignoring their partners while chatting with their “1200 Facebook friends.” He finds it very odd, and depressing.
Of course an actress, which is what Welsey is, spends much of her time pretending to be someone else. And even when she’s not, it’s hard for someone like her to have deep conversations with most people outside her very closed, very narrow circle. She must at all times be “Welsey Shaw, the brand.” She is very lonely.
Others in the story try various methods, from interesting to quackery, to gain greater intimacy towards and understanding of others. Thought it’s never explicitly stated, there’s a thought throughout that most of the fads and follies we go though as a culture could be eliminated if we just made closer *meaningful* connections with each other. This is brought home in one of my favorite scenes–and one of the hardest to write–where his book editor Brooke turns 30 and starts planning a very big party for herself, until it hits her like a pile of bricks that she should not be planning her own party! But, as someone who works 60 hours a week and then goes straight to the gym so that she continues to look stunningly attractive even though she’s never actually had time to attract a man, she hasn’t made enough close friends that they would even think to throw her a party.
So yes, in your posting you hit upon the essence of what my novel is about, and what I think is very very important, and very forgotten today in this age of Twitter and sound bites and three-minute music videos. As I said, I’m so happy you posted this!
Your novel sounds intriguing, John. I love the concept. I love deep conversations. And, as anyone knows who reads my blog with any regularity, I love coffee shops.
I also am at odds with “the age of Twitter and sound bites and three-minute videos,” yet paradoxically, these are some of the ways people find my books. We writers live in interesting times.
Thanks for commenting!